you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
there is glitter all over my balls
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
