I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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