I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
