You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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