No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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