I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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