Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
