Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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