I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
