You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Im part way to drunk.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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