Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
