Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
