my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
