I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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