not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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