saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
