So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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