I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize