I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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