I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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