We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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