One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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