I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
