I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
