We're facebook friends in real life
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
