i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
