i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
