I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
