I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
