She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
