all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
