yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He shit in the fireplace
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
