Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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