Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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