Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
