Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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