i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
So vagazzling was a success
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize