At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
