if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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