i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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