i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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