I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
