i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
