Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
