Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
