I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
