He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
