the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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