So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
