Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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