Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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