good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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