trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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